I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
