So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
