tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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