I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
