Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
