these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
