she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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