One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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