I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
