I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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