I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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