you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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