My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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