I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
