I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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