he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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