So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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