i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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