happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
