Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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