Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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