I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
