I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
