I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
