I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
