all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
