It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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