yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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