I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
