Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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