2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
