Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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