Only a mothe r could love this liver
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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