he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
