Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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