Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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