I look better un-naked...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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