i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
