I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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