I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
