well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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