Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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