Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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