Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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