My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
