when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
