i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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