Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
