it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
