my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
